Products That Fail - 05.31.08
Kirby Diamond Edition Ultimate G-Unit Vacuum
If a Kirby vacuum cleaner saleman comes to your door, make sure you have a baseball bat or other blunt object handy so you can bash their face in. Two years ago one of these gremlins came to my door and was like, "Hey, buy this vacuum cleaner. It can do almost anything and is awesome." The saleman (salesdemon) was some young guy who gave me this song and dance about how he had to sell just one more vacuum in order to win some trip to Hawaii with his girlfriend or something. Of course, being a complete sucker, I fell for it and bought the damn thing. The douchenugget told me he'd give me a great deal on the thing. A whole $500.00 off! Instead of $2,000.00, he assured me he'd give it to me for the low, low price of $1,500.00. "It can do almost anything. Best and last vacuum you'll ever own," he told me. Well guess what? When I finally got a chance to use the thing five days later, it turned out to be the biggest piece of shit ever created by mankind. It wrecked a part of my carpet and I've seen 90-year-old women with better suction. I called Kirby and was like, "This thing's a piece of crap. I want my money back." They informed me I was shit outta' luck because they only had a three day return period. Three day! What kind of steaming horse shit is that? Better yet, they ended up billing me $2,000.00 for the thing, not the $1,500.00 they had promised me.

A few months later this wench I was dating came over to my house and saw my awesome Kirby vacuum cleaner sitting there collecting dust. She laughed and was like, "You got suckered into getting one of those, too?" She went on to tell me her parents or ex-boyfriend or someone (I wasn't paying attention, like when most chicks talk to me) got one and it was a piece of shit as well. She asked me, "Did they tell you they needed to sell one more so they'd win a trip to Hawaii?" Man, didn't I feel like a sucker. Since then I've met a few people who got roped into buying the same vacuum only to find out that it's epic fail. And I ended up breaking up with the whore a couple of weeks later and then she stole half my shit and pawned it off so I devote ten minutes of every day wishing cancer on her with my mind.

A couple of months ago there was a knock on my door. Guess who it was? Two Kirby vacuum cleaner salesmen. Apparently the Kirby company is too unorganized and stupid to compile a list of people they've already ripped off. The two guys started in on their sales pitch only to be chased off my property with a baseball bat. True story. I actually shut the door in their crystal meth-ridden faces first and they had the gall to try coming back into my house! That's when I grabbed my handy baseball bat. One look at that and they took off epic fast.