Products That Fail
Products that shouldn't exist but do and piss me off.

Products That Fail - 04.19.10
Anime, Anime, Anime
I know I'll probably get a lot of hate mail over this, but since when do I give a sun-dried turd what you fucks think? I don't give a fuck what you think, obviously, which is why I'm going to say something that I've been saying over and over again for years. Ready? Give me a drumroll...

Anime is fucking stupid.

"Oh, how can you not like anime? It's so awesome!" No, it's really not. Maybe I don't like anime because I have a social life and enjoy getting laid. That, or maybe I just realize how unbelievably moronic this form of animation (and I use the word loosely) is. It's been my experience that anime fans... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 12.03.09
The Jeff Dunham Show
While some people may not consider a television show to be a "product," I still consider it one for the mere fact it's something that somebody is trying to sell to us. In this instance, it's Comedy Central that's trying to sell us on Jeff Dunham actually being funny enough to warrant his own show. Therefore, in some sense, a television show does fall into the category of "product." For example, "Hi, we're Comedy Central. Please buy into our Jeff Dunham product so we can make money off of the advertisements we sell during his show, not to mention his DVD sales when they hit the market." That's assuming the show lasts long enough to even be released on DVD, mind you. If this turd-tanker of a show makes it to season two I'll be... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 11.22.09
The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess
I literally just finished playing The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess. I know, I know... the game came out back in 2006. I just now got around to playing it, so blow me. I get fucking busy sometimes. And by "get fucking busy," I mean, "spend a lot of time drinking."

Anyhow, I rarely play video games these days 'cause they take away from my drinking time, but a few weeks ago I thought it'd be fun to pop in this latest Zelda game... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 08.15.08
Shamrock Farms Chocolate Milk
If you don't like chocolate milk then I could never be friends with you because you're probably Russian or something and Russians are just weird. Yes, I drink chocolate milk, and no, I am not ten-years-old. I just love the stuff, so lay off of me or I'll stab you in the face with a screwdriver. Chocolate milk is the shit. It's also good for mixing drinks with. Ever tried Captain Morgan Spiced Rum and chocolate milk? It's fucking delicious and will get you all fucked-up. Yes, chocolate milk is truly... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 06.23.08
LG vx8300 Cellphone
I'd love to meet the conceptual genius who created the design for my piece of shit LG cellphone so I can take a tire iron to his face. Why is it that some of these hamskulls don't understand that not everbody has the fingers of a ten-year-old Asian child? I have fat, chubby troll fingers, goddammit. I'm an oversized American with thick, greasy fingers. You can't put buttons that close together and expect people like me... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 05.31.08
MySpace Karaoke
Okay, I don't know if you could technically consider MySpace's new "MySpace Karaoke" a product, but I'm going to anyway. And, let me tell you, this new gimmick of theirs is an epic fail. For those of you not familiar with this new steaming pile of virtual garbage, let me fill you in.

MySpace Karaoke is a place where talentless losers with too much free time... READ MORE >

Products That Fail - 05.31.08
Kirby Diamond Edition Ultimate G-Unit Vacuum
If a Kirby vacuum cleaner saleman comes to your door, make sure you have a baseball bat or other blunt object handy so you can bash their face in. Two years ago one of these gremlins came to my door and was like, "Hey, buy this vacuum cleaner. It can do almost anything and is awesome." The saleman (salesdemon) was some young guy who gave me this song and dance about how he had to sell just one more vacuum in order to win some trip to Hawaii with his girlfriend or something. Of course, being a complete sucker, I fell for it and... READ MORE >