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Products
That Fail
Products that shouldn't exist but do and piss
me off. |
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Products
That Fail - 08.15.08
Shamrock
Farms Chocolate Milk
If you don't like chocolate milk then I could
never be friends with you because you're probably
Russian or something and Russians are just weird.
Yes, I drink chocolate milk, and no, I am not
ten-years-old. I just love the stuff, so lay off
of me or I'll stab you in the face with a screwdriver.
Chocolate milk is the shit. It's also good for
mixing drinks with. Ever tried Captain Morgan
Spiced Rum and chocolate milk? It's fucking delicious
and will get you all fucked-up. Yes, chocolate
milk is truly some of the best stuff on the planet.
What's even better is when you buy chocolate milk
and can actually fucking open it.
That's not the case if you buy chocolate milk
from that piece of shit comapany "Shamrock
Farms." This genius company decided to fucking
superglue their safety seals onto all of their
damn bottles. I'm not kidding when I say removing
that tiny little safety seal takes fucking forever
and seriously requires a knife or a hand grenade.
It looks so easy to remove, right? Just pull the
handy-dandy tab and you're good to go, right?
Wrong, motherfucker! You pull on it and nothing
happens. They seriously must use superglue to
put these seals on. Maybe they just assume that
only little kids drink this shit so they superglue
the seals on just to fuck with them? In which
case that would actually be hilarious and Shamrock
Farms would be the coolest company ever because
I fucking hate little kids and one of those shit,
piss, and booger machines tried to steal my dog
last month. |
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Looks so easy to open, right? Think again. |
You might want some surgical tools. |
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Jordan Capri is not
only hot as fuck, but willing to take
a dick on cam. She wins. |
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Products
That Fail - 06.23.08
LG
vx8300 Cellphone
I'd love to meet the conceptual genius who created
the design for my piece of shit LG cellphone so
I can take a tire iron to his face. Why is it
that some of these hamskulls don't understand
that not everbody has the fingers of a ten-year-old
Asian child? I have fat, chubby troll fingers,
goddammit. I'm an oversized American with thick,
greasy fingers. You can't put buttons that close
together and expect people like me not to accidently
press more than one of them at the same time without
meaning to. |
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Gee,
what a fabulous place
for a speakerphone button.
It's completely not incoveniently
placed or anything. Nope,
not a chance somebody
will accidently press
this thing. |
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Fuck
you, LG. Seriously. I'd
love to put this phone
on vibrate, shove it up
the President of LG's
butthole, and then call
him repeatedly. But he'd
probably like it because
he's a queer. |
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LG,
in their infinite wisdom, decided it'd be cool
to put the speakerphone button directly below
the "clear" button, which just so happens
to be one of the most important buttons on the
fucking phone. End result? I always wind up accidently
pressing the speakerphone button. This happens
on a daily basis since, like a 14-year-old schoolgirl,
I text message all the time and the "clear"
button is essential to text messaging. I swear
LG put the speakerphone button there just to fuck
with people. I've never seen a speakerphone button
in such a terrible spot. I'm not joking when I
say that I accidently press this button every
single day of my worthless life. It makes a loud,
annoying noise when you press it, too. Fuck, I
hate this phone so much. Instead of trying to
find a cure for AIDS, we should shove all of our
resources into trying to find a cure for people
who design shit like this. |
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Why can't all girls
look like Kylie? Because then we'd have
no sweathogs to make fun of, I guess. |
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Products
That Fail - 05.31.08
MySpace
Karaoke
Okay, I don't know if you could technically consider
MySpace's new "MySpace
Karaoke" a product, but I'm going to anyway.
And, let me tell you, this new gimmick of theirs
is an epic fail. For those of you not familiar with
this new steaming pile of virtual garbage, let me
fill you in.
MySpace
Karaoke is a place where talentless losers with
too much free time on their hands, like
this jerk-off, can go to produce eardrum-shattering
music. Why? I really have no clue. Almost every
karaoke attempt I suffered through was so bad I
wanted to use my speakers for skeet shooting, yet
these people put this crap online anyway for other
people to "listen to and enjoy." There
are literally hundreds of karaoke recordings, and
not one of them is any good. You can find a nice
list of 'em right
here. Listen to a few and it might make you
feel better about yourself. The first thing I thought
when I got done listening to a couple of these musical
disasters was, "Wow, thank God I'm not any
of these people."
Kudos to MySpace for providing a place for people
to take otherwise decent music and rape the shit
out of it. "I know, let's take some music made
by people with talent and let completely talentless
people make asses out of themselves to it."
Move over, Roxette. You have some serious competition
right
here. |
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The Wet Peach is turning
heads everywhere thanks to its awesome
content. Hot chicks gallore! |
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Products That Fail
- 05.31.08
Kirby
Diamond Edition Ultimate G-Unit Vacuum
If a Kirby vacuum cleaner saleman comes to your
door, make sure you have a baseball bat or other
blunt object handy so you can bash their face
in. Two years ago one of these gremlins came
to my door and was like, "Hey, buy this
vacuum cleaner. It can do almost anything and
is awesome." The saleman (salesdemon) was
some young guy who gave me this song and dance
about how he had to sell just one more vacuum
in order to win some trip to Hawaii with his
girlfriend or something. Of course, being a
complete sucker, I fell for it and bought the
damn thing. The douchenugget told me he'd give
me a great deal on the thing. A whole $500.00
off! Instead of $2,000.00, he assured me he'd
give it to me for the low, low price of $1,500.00.
"It can do almost anything. Best and last
vacuum you'll ever own," he told me. Well
guess what? When I finally got a chance to use
the thing five days later, it turned out to
be the biggest piece of shit ever created by
mankind. It wrecked a part of my carpet and
I've seen 90-year-old women with better suction.
I called Kirby and was like, "This thing's
a piece of crap. I want my money back."
They informed me I was shit outta' luck because
they only had a three day return period. Three
day! What kind of steaming horse shit is that?
Better yet, they ended up billing me $2,000.00
for the thing, not the $1,500.00 they had promised
me.
A few months later this wench
I was dating came over to my house and saw my
awesome Kirby vacuum cleaner sitting there collecting
dust. She laughed and was like, "You got
suckered into getting one of those, too?"
She went on to tell me her parents or ex-boyfriend
or someone (I wasn't paying attention, like
when most chicks talk to me) got one and it
was a piece of shit as well. She asked me, "Did
they tell you they needed to sell one more so
they'd win a trip to Hawaii?" Man, didn't
I feel like a sucker. Since then I've met a
few people who got roped into buying the same
vacuum only to find out that it's epic fail.
And I ended up breaking up with the whore a
couple of weeks later and then she stole half
my shit and pawned it off so I devote ten minutes
of every day wishing cancer on her with my mind.
A couple of months ago there was a knock on
my door. Guess who it was? Two Kirby vacuum
cleaner salesmen. Apparently the Kirby company
is too unorganized and stupid to compile a list
of people they've already ripped off. The two
guys started in on their sales pitch only to
be chased off my property with a baseball bat.
True story. I actually shut the door in their
crystal meth-ridden faces first and they had
the gall to try coming back into my house! That's
when I grabbed my handy baseball bat. One look
at that and they took off epic fast.
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