Products That
Fail -
11.22.09
The
Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess
I literally just finished playing
The
Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess.
I know, I know... the game came out back
in 2006. I just now got around to playing
it, so blow me. I get fucking busy sometimes.
And by "get fucking busy," I mean,
"spend a lot of time drinking."
Anyhow, I rarely play video games these
days 'cause they take away from my drinking
time, but a few weeks ago I thought it'd
be fun to pop in this latest Zelda game
and give it a go. I had just finished beating
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
for the Game Boy and had a great time with.
Talk about a fun game. After wrapping up
that one, I was in serious Zelda mode and
just had to play
Twilight Princess
on my Gamecube. Yes, I own a Gamecube. But,
in my defense, I only bought one so I could
play
Resident Evil and
Resident
Evil: 4, two of the best games ever
made.
This is not only the shittiest Zelda game
ever made (and, yes, that includes the second
Zelda game made for the NES back in the
day), but one of the shittiest, most over-hyped
games I've ever played. Almost every review
I read of this disaster of a game had nothing
but great things to say about it. Most sites
rated it 9.5 out of 10, so I was pretty
pumped to play it. What a monumental letdown.
It's a let down on the same scale of those
new
Star Wars movies, which completely
sucked a bag of dicks.
Twilight Princess fails on so many
levels that to talk about them all would
take way longer than my attention span would
allow, so I'll just sum them all up in this
one statement: This game isn't fun. There,
I said it. How the fuck anybody could play
this game and actually enjoy it is beyond
me. It's the single most frustrating and
unrewarding game I've ever played, and I've
played a lot of games. What ever happened
to the basic "let's save the princess"
storyline of previous Zeldas? It seems as
if with every Zelda game, Nintendo feels
the need to make the storyline more and
more outlandish. Actually, the storyline
for
Link's Awakening wasn't about
saving a princess, but it was still fun
and Nintendo didn't go to overboard with
the plot. Granted the plot was stupid, but
the game was still super addictive and a
real joy to play, unlike this
Twilight
Princess garbage.
Twilight Princess'
story bounces around so much that it's actually
hard to follow, and the game has so much
dialogue to read and so many cutscenes to
watch that the game feels like a book, a
movie, and a video game all rolled into
one. You seriously have to read pages and
pages of dialogue throughout the game, and
the shitty part is, if you skip any of it,
you just end up missing important clues
you need to further your quest. Hence, you're
stuck reading all of this nonsensical bullshit
about some stupid twilight realm that makes
absolutely no sense.
Right about now I should probably come clean
and admit that I actually suffered through
the entire game and beat it. Why? Because
I just kept hoping and hoping it would get
better. That somehow I'd get back all of
the work I'd been putting in. It was my
ex-girlfriend who cheered me on while playing
the game, telling me that it would get better
and not to worry because she'd played it
and beaten it before. She hates me with
a burning passion so I don't know why the
fuck I listened to her, as she was clearly
screwing with me. She moved in with me,
we played the game together for three weeks,
and then she threw a glass of milk in my
face and moved out. So, uh, yeah, I'm guessing
she was probably getting a kick out of watching
me waste my life by playing this buttfucking
game.
Twilight Princess sucks from start
to finish and doesn't even really feel like
a Zelda game. It does at times (mainly thanks
to the music), but for the most part it
just feels too foreign to the series. First
of all, unlike previous Zelda games that
start off with a bang,
Twilight Princess
has the most boring introductions in video
game history. I actually started playing
the game back in 2007 but after two hours
got bored and shitcanned it for
Resident
Evil. But, two years later after having
played
Link's Awakening and yearning
for some more Zelda, and after my ex-cumrag,
err, girlfriend, assured me that it'd get
better, I decided to give it another go.
You start off as some little shitbag with
no sword, no shield, and pretty much nothing
cool or of interest. Granted that's how
the other Zelda games started off, but at
least in those versions you got your sword
within the first few minutes of playing,
not the first few hours. I've never seen
a game start off as slowly as
Twilight
Princess. Not only does the game start
off slow, but the storyline's so fucking
ridiculous that it offers no incentive to
keep playing. It's not like, "Gee,
I wonder what'll happen next? I better keep
playing to find out!" Instead, it's,
"Wow, this storyline makes absolutely
no sense and whoever came up with it was
clearly on some form of hallucinogenic drug."
Twilight invading light? I still have no
idea what exactly was going on, but what
I do know is the game forces you to play
as a wolf for roughly 50% of the game and
it sucks roughly 100% of the time. Seriously,
Nintendo. A wolf? Nintendo, here's a hot
tip that might keep your company in business
a few more years: If something works, keep
fucking doing it. Meaning, stop reinventing
shit that already works. Stop reinventing
the fucking wheel all the damn time. The
original Zelda games (NES, Game Boy, Super
Nintendo, N64) all worked for a reason.
People want to play as Link, they don't
want to play as a fucking wolf. What a shitty
concept to add to a shitty game.
My biggest gripe with the game is how unrewarding
it is, and how completely frustrating it
is. Some games are frustrating but in a
fun way. Like, "Argh, I can't believe
I can't figure out this puzzle, but I'll
keep trying and I'll get it eventually!"
Twilight Princess is not one of
those games. Instead, it's more of, "Wow,
this is really fucking aggrivating. Way
to fuck me over, Nintendo." This constant
fuckery is a recurring theme throughout
the entire game from start to finish. There
are way too many examples to list, but here's
a good one: Guy outside of village says
he could use some hot spring water. Knowing
where the only place in the game is that
you can get hot spring water, you run there
(which takes forever 'cause the game's massive),
scoop some up in a bottle, and return to
him. Easy, right? Wrong, because when you
try to give him the hot spring water, it's
cooled down already and become just regular
water. It's endlessly frustrating and you'll
want to tear your hair out. If you're bald,
you'd want to grow hair and then tear it
out.
Twilight Princess is a very long
game. In fact, because I suck, it took me
over eighty hours to beat. I'd probably
have had more fun if I had just spent those
eighty hours punching myself directly in
the face. At least then I could make up
some sympathetic story and use it to get
laid. Like, "What happened to my face?
Oh, well, I saw a group of guys raping a
girl, so I jumped in to try and save her
and got beat in the process. I still saved
her, though." I don't think saying,
"Oh, I spent eighty hours playing a
video game" is going to get me laid
anytime soon, but who knows?
In summation, this game is a complete waste
of time. Even the ending is ridiculously
unsatisfying. With other Zelda games, you
felt a sense of accomplishment after beating
them. They even stirred emotion in you.
The only feeling I had after beating this
monkey crap was, "Thank God it's over."
If I weren't such a Jew I'd write "FUCK
YOU" on the data side of the disc and
mail it to Nintendo. Instead I'm going to
find somebody who hasn't played it yet,
convince them it's the best game ever, and
sell it to 'em for twenty bucks. I'm evil,
I know.
Fuck you, Nintendo.
